You would be shocked at what some farangs try to find on the internet and many of the farangs who end up here only do so after they have been unable to find the sick and twisted perversion they were searching for and instead just end up finding a page about themselves. For example, some people are searching for

“do fat farangs pay more”

Which I can only assume is a reference to the dirty areas in Pattaya and the farangs that frequent the bars there. I guess in this case this particular farang is a little tubby and was concerned that he might have to pay over the expected rate for half an hour (ok.. probably just 5 minutes) with a poor farm girl. I feel for him, really I do. I wonder if he found his answer? Will he be packing extra dollar bills into his suitcase than he expected?

Or how about this delightful phrase:

“two farangs one thai girl”

Well I bet they had a shock when they actually found this website which is more like “25 farangs and one Thai girl”. Very little obscenity though, many apologies to whichever one of you that was. I’m afraid I have no advice on where to find whatever you were actually looking for.

Now whenever I walk past an internet cafe and see a farang inside, I have a slightly different idea as to what he is up to.

When I go to work in the morning I have to frequently wait for the bus for anything between 20 to 40 minutes and I wait on a street which is a very different street at night times than it is at day times. Every morning I meet the same faces in my fellow Thais. There’s a lovely lady who sells flowers to the taxi drivers and old people, the security guys who try to help with the flow of traffic and the same people who take the same bus route as me to work every day.

Then there’s some less enjoyable faces, not always the same, but always farang. These are the types who are instead of just getting up to get on with their work, haven’t yet slept and are on the way home. They try to hide this fact from the throng of people waiting for the morning bus, but it’s obvious to all of us that they are drunk, haven’t washed and probably just paid some girl for her “company”.

This morning there was one fat, balding, ugly farang staggering along the road talking to himself. This wasn’t some travelling hippie type of farang, this was a smartly dressed (but his clothes were crumpled presumably from a night of constant groping of underage girls) but drunk farang. Despite the morning brightness and sun he seemed to not understand he was no longer in a night club or strip bar and was ogling many of the office women waiting for their bus. I could see it made many people uncomfortable. He was talking to himself in English but even though I speak English I did not understand what he was trying to talk about.

The thing which really struck me was how relatively unsurprised most of the people standing around witnessing this farang baffoon were. Yes I’m sure everyone was embarassed, but nobody standing there was seeing this kind of farang behaviour for the first time. If I went to America or Europe I would be ashamed to stagger around past working people early in the morning drunk out of my mind talking to myself. I took a picture on my phone and I’m so tempted to put it on my web site so his family might one day see what he is really up to on his “business meeting in Thailand”.

Then not ten minutes later another farang with a moustache got out of a taxi along the same stretch of street and you could smell the whiskey on his clothes from half a mile away I am sure. And from the other side of the taxi a girl, also drunk, got out and tried to help him stagger onto the pavement and down to the nearby shop. I couldn’t help wondering how much she was hoping to be paid, I bet it’s more than I will earn today.

Farangs love to be hypocrites. They just love it, saying one thing is bad while doing the same, criticising with the left hand while undertaking the exact same behaviour with the right. A recent example is how some people reading my diary have decided that I can’t exist. Firstly, if I could figure out how to make it so only Thai people could read my diary, I would have done that already. Secondly, I DO exist. I’m going to take a moment to explore the inner workings of the farang brain when it stumbles (probably drunkenly) across my diary website:

Farang Brain: Dum der dum.. where did I put my beer?

FB: Hm, let’s search the internet for myself, since I am so important. I wonder if I can find pictures of people who look just like me having sex with Thai girls. I especially like the pictures where the girl looks unhappy or exploited.

*types any mixture of the following words into google.com: farang, sex, thai farang, farang thai girl, farang thai girl pic, thai girl exploited, farang exploits thai girl*

FB: Im bored with porn (not really- Ill be back in 5 mins) what’s this? Funny farangs? A Thai person stereotyping the farang race with understandable written english and never mentioning som tam? Obviously a fake! Since ALL thai people are so stupid and bad at anything other than eating or smiling!

FB: And besides! How can this Thai stereotype all farangs? We all know all Thais are the same, but white people are better and more unique because we have universities, schools, governments, hospitals and banks that all agree to agree they are better than Eastern universities, schools, governments, hospitals and banks! I know most of the farangs are bad but I’m different! I’m a really good farang! Besides, when I take a Thai girl to bed I pay her a really big tip!
Losers.

Let’s have a giggle at some of the internet warrior comments from a collection of loosely linked sexpats from Korat. Korat has a contingent of farangs for one reason only- many poor families live in the area surrounding Korat and their daughters frequently end up in bars that farangs frequent. The more successful ones manage to convince their customer to actually go home with them and pay for, well, everything for, well, everyone. Korat is booming thanks to this - good going sisters!

The farang named Ludo (”Sr. Member” - not sure what this refers to, maybe they compare phallus sizes as part of the registration procedure?) says:

“Earning 20.000 THB and run a non profit orientated .com web page to rage against farangs - not easy to believe.”

Well, Ludo, I suppose your average interaction with Thai people is only those that earn 200 000 thb and run multi-million baht earning websites which… oh wait, no you don’t. You don’t know any successful or interesting Thai’s. That kind of restriction in your life is only going to hinder any understanding of diversity in a society, isn’t it.

Farang sebastien says:

“Most of them [have] never been abroad.”

Whereas most Americans don’t even have passports!

It was hard to keep concentrating to find any more particularly funny comments, since this group, during the course of this two page discussion, had gone without sexual perversion and beer for at least 10 minutes and instead began to collapse inwardly, arbitrarily accusing one another of breaking “forum rules” and demanding apologies from one another. Eventually someone remembered what they were talking about and I managed to read this before finally falling asleep out of sheer boredom:

Farang says:

“I’m convinced that the blogger is not what he / she claims to be as well. In the last blog of today he/she claims to have been in Jakarta and haven’t seen that many farangs. With the proclamation of working 6 days a week for a rather low salary - why would someone fly to Jakarta? Distorted facts”

This is what happens to a a farang brain when it is occupied, day in day out, with nothing but alcohol absorpton and sexual deviancy. The first thing to go- the imagination. What could a professional Thai adult who works a 6 day week for 20 000 thb possibly be doing in Jakarta! Come on.. think really hard. I know you can do it.

The sister of my office friend is getting married to a farang and it’s been delightful to hear all the stories and tribulations that this farang has either been put through or put the family through since the start of their relationship. The stories I have heard from this one relationship would be enough to write my diary for a few months alone with.

The most recent one is about the “sin sod” or the concept of offering some money at the wedding from the husband and his family to the wife and her family. Normally this is just for show because we want to let people know how successful and auspicious the particular relationship is or will be and to show how much the two families are excited about coming together. Now even among us Thai people the idea of what “sin sod” is can differ and this isn’t just based on where your family comes from but also based on things like your education and your parents view to the husband or to the wife. For example “sin sod” might not be used in the same way if your daughter wants to marry man number 1 than if she wants to marry man number 2. Its flexible and the way in which the family want to use it depends on all sorts of factors.

One thing it is not is a way to purchase the wife from the family. This idiot farang has come to my office friend and asked her how much her sister is worth and so how much should he pay for her! What the hell?? This moronic white-skinned beached whale, barely strong enough to lift his own weight from the sofa chair to grab another singha beer (yes, I’ve seen his pictures and OI, DISGUSTING!) seems to think he is buying his wife. So this means several other things- one, he thinks he is so far above her, being the one doing the “purchasing” and her being the one “purchased” so obviously he has no respect for her, two that he couldn’t be bothered to learn the first little thing about the culture he is about to marry into and three, he is a fat idiot.

The thing is the family didn’t even ask him for “sin sod” and never mentioned it, he came right out of the blue and asked my friend how much her sister was worth. They don’t even want it- it’s not applicable for them since he is not a Thai man. The best advice I can give him is to forget the pickup truck full of gold and at least apply some anti-perspirant before the actual event.

Let’s be honest with one another. I recently went to Indonesia and I was surprised to see how few farangs there are in the capital city. I guess this is different to Bali where I am told there are many. But Jakarta can be compared to Bangkok and frankly there are very few farangs to be seen. Obviously I couldn’t cover all the city during my short stay but my Indonesian colleagues confirmed that in Bangkok the number of farangs is so much higher than in their home city.

I began making other comparisons between the two cities. Economic ones. Maybe the farangs stay in Bangkok more because it is cheaper than Jakarta? Wrong. The average plate of rice in a nice restaurant in Jakarta seems to be about 1/4 the price of the equivalent back in Bangkok. This goes for everything- costs for going out, costs for eating, costs for shopping. Everything is cheaper in Jakarta than in Bangkok! Well, most things.

So how about work comparisons. Maybe it’s so much easier for Farangs to work and setup business and make money in Bangkok than in Jakarta? Wrong. The visas available for farangs to work, setup business and make investment etc in Indonesia are so much easier than we make it for them back home in Thailand! The average piss-head farang can get a 6 month visa here for next to nothing, just provide some sort of nonsense letter from a friend and “Selamat Datang Mr. Farang!”. Plus I looked at the cost of the tourist visa- 1/3 the price for a farang to get a tourist visa to Indonesia than for a farang to get one for Thailand.

Hrm! So what the bloody hell makes all these farangs stay in Thailand? Maybe it’s the geography. Wrong. Bali and other parts of Indonesia are almost as beautiful as Thailand and the islands in our south. I say almost because I haven’t seen them all myself. But it’s easily equal between the two countries.

Maybe its the political situation which makes farangs want to stay more in Thailand than Indonesia? Wrong. The political situation in Jakarta is way more stable. No coups recently!

So… what on earth could it be?! And Im talking a huge difference in farang population numbers here. I saw 3 farangs the whole time I walked around two or three malls in Jakarta. I can’t get on the bus in the morning without seeing about 5 in Bangkok, and that’s before 8am! Clearly the only reason any farangs stay in Thailand is because of how easy it is for them to get sexual gratification. This is not so readily available in Jakarta. It exists, but no where near on the scale that it does in Bangkok and other areas. Sure, they say it’s for their wife, or the beaches, or the friendly people, but none of that would be enough to make them leave their rich western countries and fly all the way over here if it were not for the fact that the lack of feminism, lack of education among women and general lack of enforcement of the law allows them to get away with patterns of behaviour that would simply be unacceptable in their home countries.

I like to go shopping now and then at this market near my home. Its normal to see plenty of farangs there but this is even though it is a very cheap market. Usually they come hand in hand with a Thai girl who dresses suspiciously provocative, so you tend to know where the happy couple met one another. I was standing next to one particular stall looking at some earings when just such a farang appeared looking through the dvds on the shop beside me. He barked “you how much this” at the shop assistant who was taken by surprise and jumped up to serve the customer. She asked him very politely what he would like to buy and he raised his voice again saying the same thing in loud English: “how much this”. The problem was he did not point at any particular thing so how was she supposed to know what it was he wanted to know the price about?

I looked at the girl next to him- very short, looked a bit shy but when she saw me looking immediately became confident and asked the seller (in Thai) ‘If I tell him to buy many you must give me some money’. The seller looked at her, and then looked at me, a little shyly. “That’s not possible, sorry” was the seller’s reply, to which the girl said to her “boyfriend” “Honey here no good have only bad movie make from copy very shit”. The farang grunted and finished the scene by waving his hand derisively at the seller and saying “My Ow My Ow” with a big frown on his face. Then they turned and walked away.

The seller looked at her feet, then at me, while I tried not to stare. I felt so sorry for her, so I ended up buying a dvd. The quality was fine, as it turned out, but then I wasn’t surprised by that. I tried to find the happy couple again to see if the girl was trying this trick with everything the farang wanted to buy, but unfortunately she had obviously decided to take him onto richer pickings elsewhere.

The thing is that I can imagine this to be understandable if the girl was so poor and desperate for her next meal, but she was covered in all sorts of jewellry, much more than I have myself and I have what is considered an OK job. Im pretty sure there was more than 100 000 baht of gold on her. Is it really going to help her to make another 50 or 100 baht from commission on a few movies? The seller by comparison wore no jewelry.

I don’t know actually who I felt more sorry for- the farang, the girl who was so selfish or the seller.

Last night I was enjoying the last of the Songkran festival celebrations with some friends- we went to eat pad thai in our favourite eatery and then drove over to a friend’s place. To get to our car however we had to walk the roadbridge not far from the middle of Sukhumvit. I was particularly feeling awkward because I was with an older friend of mine who has never really been to Sukhumvit during the evening time and I knew there was a chance of something embarassing happening. Sure enough, a fat farang waddles along the bridge in the opposite direction and says something in very bad Thai to my friend. Fortunately my friend didn’t understand it, unused as she is to the attempts of most farangs to speak our language. I told her he just said “Hello” but in German. I think she believed me.

What he actually tried to say was “You are very beautiful”, except what he actually said was “You are very unlucky”. If I had a 20 baht note for every time some farang has called me unlucky I would be a very rich girl. This is why you need to learn to understand tones before you learn any Thai words. You have to copy the exact way a word is said or there is a big chance you will end up getting it wrong and embarassing you, the girl and whoeever else hears you. And why are you going up to strangers in the dark on roadbridges and telling them they are beautiful anyway? Don’t you realise you stink of beer and ciggies? Haven’t you spotted the large sweat patch under each arm?

Then I walked past a street stall (yes.. I know.. ) and one thin tall guy waved me over, obviously thinking I was for sale. I was wearing a trouser suit you complete ass!!

In what seems to be a consistent effort to reawaken the golden era attitudes of Western Colonialisation, many farangs in Thailand today go under the impression that Thai people are ’strange’.

Well I’ve got news for you. There’s a little term that clever people like me call ‘ethnocentricity’. In farang form this word means ‘we is better dan u’. You’re not, by the way. Therefore, thinking you are really doesn’t help you.

My use of this term means to imply that you have no logical reason to think that just because something I do is different to something you do, that thing is ‘weird’ or ’strange’ or ‘odd’ or ‘not normal’. Normality is an essentially contested concept at the best of times, you idiot, but please don’t make it worse by trying to claim you have the ‘normal’ way of doing things.

One complaint I often hear from farangs in restaurants who think I am too stupid to understand them is that Thai people do everything too slowly. They say it’s as if we don’t like living - as if we don’t grasp the splendour and beauty of life like farangs do. As if we, somehow enveloped by our own latent hegemony, we ‘cannot look beyond ourselves’.

Cannot look beyond ourselves? You imbeciles! Firstly, it’s a hot country (you know, all that sweat dripping from your eyes..) and secondly, Buddha didn’t reach enlightenment by flapping his arms all day, wearing neck ties and running to catch taxis/buses/friends/nothing. What has running about the place done for your cultures? Hmm.. we’ve got higher rates of heart disease, we’ve got increased levels of worl-related stress, we’ve got higher suicide rates..need I go on.

I was in Orielly’s pub the other day and put on my usual ‘I can’t understand English’ face to lull the unsuspecting farangs around me into a false sense of security. Minutes into my fried rice and the fat German to the left of me had decided it was safe to begin what is commonly known as ‘Moaning like a little baby’. The poor girl sitting next to him, a 5ft Esarn girl carrying an expression not dissimilar to someone who has just been forced to read Satre’s ‘Being and Nothing’ against their will, had to listen to why her people and her country had not quite yet ‘developed’ enough to be called a ‘democracy’.

I wanted to educate the guy but I expect I would only have had an invitation to the next annual shit-on-a-bargirl competition that those Germans seem so keen on.

When Thai people forgive you for royally cocking up some perfectly simple custom of ours, we do so because we do not think our culture is somehow above or better than yours. More often than not we seek to emulate Western culture. Frankly, I have no idea why.